Winning the Battle Within...

This is something I've wanted to talk about for a long time now. Its going to be difficult for me to write this, but its something I need to do. I feel like I need to be as open as possible and completely honest in order for me to get everything I want to out of doing this blog. While this may not be a big deal to some people, what I'm going to talk about is something that has been a huge deal to me, and has done a lot of damage. As a part of the healing process, I need to get everything out in the open. So...lets talk weight...

As most of you know, I'm in the process of losing weight and striving for an overall healthier well-being. I know many of you are doing the same thing. Being overweight is something I've struggled with for quite a few years. When I was younger, I was very active in sports. I was always healthy and in great shape. It wasn't until after high school that I started putting the weight on.

I've dieted in the past, lost some weight, and felt good about myself for a little while. But the weight would always come back, and I found myself feeling even worse than before. This cycle kept going on and on until finally I just gave up. I had gotten to a point where I was ok with feeling like crap not only physically, but emotionally.

I remember saying to myself, "my friends and family love me no matter how I look, so why worry about it"? While that statement is true (I have amazing friends and family!), I never bothered to notice that even though I was loved by others, I was hated by myself. Looking at myself in the mirror in utter disgust was something I did daily, usually multiple times. I honestly and truly hated myself. I would stand in front of the mirror and pick out flaw after flaw. It almost became an obsession. No matter where I was, if I could see my reflection, the words would start flying around my head..."ugh, you're huge!", "you're skin is terrible!", "you're legs are disgusting", "look at how terrible you look right now." I was so hard on myself, and just thinking about it now bring tears to my eyes.

All I could focus on was how big that number on the scale was. At my heaviest (here comes the hard part), I was 259 lbs. I can't tell you how difficult it was for my fingers to press those 3 keys. There are only 2 people who know that number...myself, and Matt, and if it were up to me, he wouldn't know it either. Granted, I was 9 months pregnant when I hit that number, but that didn't make me feel any less horrible about it. That's closer to 300 lbs than it is to 200 lbs. Three. Hundred. Pounds. Talk about an eye-opener!

When I left the hospital after I had Braxton, I steadied out at 240 lbs...so, without being pregnant, I guess you could say that was my heaviest. It didn't really bother me at the time, though. I was so elated over having Braxton that I couldn't really focus on anything else...which was kind of a good thing. For the first time in a LONG time, I wasn't hearing that evil bitch in my head telling me how terrible I was. I was happy! I had a wonderful husband and two gorgeous sons...everything was great. But alas, it was short lived and she returned...

It was around August of last year, after a trip we took to go home. I went back and looked through some pictures that were taken, and immediately had an overwhelming sense of disgust. It almost felt like a punch in the stomach. There I was, in a bathing suit (what WAS I thinking), looking the worst I'd ever seen myself. It was like every word of hate that I had dismissed in the last few months since Braxton was born came in and hit me like a tidal wave. I couldn't do anything but bawl my eyes out. After feeling sorry for myself for a day or two, I decided to give Weight Watchers another shot. I had tried it in the past, and did quite well on it, but never stayed with it for too long. I started losing weight, and before I knew it I had dropped 18 lbs. I was starting to feel better about myself and the negative thoughts were becoming less and less apparent. Then, we found out we had 30 days to find a house, pack up everything, and move to NC. Needless to say, I stopped WW...again.

So, we did everything we needed to do and moved here to NC. Unfortunately, that evil bitch managed to sneak her way into one of the boxes and came with us. Her house warming gift to me was 8 lbs that I had left behind. There I was, miserable again and feeling a way no one should ever feel about themselves. It wasn't until the morning of February 15 that something kind of clicked...or snapped maybe? This other part of me finally woke up and said ENOUGH. Enough of the self-hatred. Enough of sitting around waiting for something to happen. Enough feeling this way! At that moment I sat down at the computer, signed up for WW for THE LAST time, and began this journey. This time it was different. I wasn't just trying to lose weight. I was determined to be happy with myself. Looking great on the outside means nothing if you look like shit on the inside. I know its cliche, but whats on the inside really is whats important! What good am I to anyone if I'm not happy?

Its been 7 weeks and 1 day. I am down 17 lbs (making for a total of 28 lbs since August), 2 pants sizes, and up a whole lot of happy. Not once has that evil bitch spoken a single word to me. And you know, its because she's not even there anymore. That other part of me though...she's my hero. She stood up to the hate and all the negativity. Instead of being beat up when I look in the mirror, I hear positive things. I hear how great those jeans I haven't been able to wear in years look. I hear how much prettier my face looks since I've found happiness. I hear how strong I am to have finally stepped up to get rid of the negativity.

I still have a ways to go both physically and emotionally. Finding a way to be happy is not something that happened overnight and its still a work in progress. My ultimate goal is to get to 150 lbs, which leaves me 62 lbs to go. I'm setting smaller goals for myself along the way, though, instead of one big goal. Its much less overwhelming that way. My first goal is to lose 10% of my starting weight. I'm happy to say I am 6 lbs away from doing just that. As far as my goal of being happy...well, I am! I can't believe how different I feel just from 7 weeks ago. I still need to work on some things, and its going to take a lot of effort. But anything thats worth it takes hard work. And I am definitely worth it.

I sincerely thank every one of you for taking the time to read this. It took a lot to get it all down, especially sharing those icky numbers with you. I've never shared them with anyone before, and while I felt a little ashamed typing them and sharing them, I've got to say its pretty damn liberating. I don't feel like I'm hiding behind those numbers anymore. I feel like it will keep me honest and hold me accountable. I also know that one day, those numbers won't even matter. I also hope that maybe it will help someone going through something similar. Feeling that way sucks, and no one should have to go through it alone. Its good to have someone to relate to, so if there is anyone reading this going through something like that, please do not hesitate to talk to me about it. I will be more than happy to help!!!

I'm working on another post where I'll share some different tips and pointers that have helped me along this journey. I'm trying to get it finished tonight, but this one took up a good bit of time and there is far too much laundry to get done, so it may not be up until tomorrow. Either way, make sure you check it out! I hope you all enjoy the rest of your day!!! :)

So much love to all of you,
Beck